Personal Responsibility and Boundaries
Posted on 15. Nov, 2011 by Sue McDonald in Goal Setting
Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.
We have not only the right, but the
duty to take responsibility for how
we allow others to treat us.
It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary.
Boundaries are about the emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental and emotional health. When appropriate boundaries are not set, we run the risk of becoming either too detached from or too dependent upon others.
It is impossible to learn to be loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives. If we want to be loved, we need to be loving toward self and toward others. Once we start having a more loving relationship with ourselves, everything changes.
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
Maybe this is a good opportunity for me to explain boundaries versus manipulation, so I will do it in a personal way so that you can understand it clearly.
I, (for whatever reasons) decided that I wanted to set a boundary around my evening meal, so then my husband had a choice to make. Other scenarios could have been:
1. Dinner will be at 6pm (my boundary)
2. Dinner will be at 6pm and if you are not here, it will go in the bin (manipulation)
3. Dinner will be on the table at 6pm because you (blaming)
We ultimately discussed the problem and came up with a win/win solution
In order for new healthy boundaries to become our new reality,
- We need to accept and take responsibility, to change what we can change
- We need to take responsibility for our behaviors and emotions.
- We need to let go of blaming others
- We need to go within and allow the healing to begin
Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves, and are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole. Owning the feeling gives us the opportunity of choice and change, and allows us to get in touch with the source of these feelings. By stating the feeling out loud, not only are we affirming that we have a right to feelings – we are affirming that the feeling exists within ourselves, allowing us to take responsibility for owning self, our reality, our choices and our responsibilities in our journey of learning and growth
It is vitally important
- To own your own voice
- To own your right to speak up for yourself.
It is OK to say NO
Changing our relationship with ourselves is
vital to making any long term changes
in our relationships with others.
These are my thoughts please feel free to add your thoughts below
To Part 3 of 5…to be added next week,
so I will see you then
